He's a terrorist. Rush Limbaugh is a terrorist.

I keep my stand-up comedy notes in a pile on my desk. I don't organize my act. I keep myself in a state of confusion. It stresses me out, but I prefer creative chaos.

I don't get jealous of people. Jealousy is such a waste of time because you're jealous of them, and they go about their lives and have a wonderful time, so what's the point?

Those flowers were picked by illegal immigrants. And they're not voting for you, b*tch.

Everyone thinks I'm Jewish. I'm not. Last year I got a call: "Happy Hanukkah." I said "Ma, I'm not Jewish."

Madeleine Albright, when you see her, she's not a beautiful woman and she's getting older. But you're saying that woman has gravitas. She knows what she's talking about.

I want to do an intelligent talk show where you have room to breathe...

I don't need a diet pill. I need something that gives you an electric shock when you reach for food.

Statistically, skinny women die younger than fat women. Why? Because fat women are killing them.

Republican Party hasn't been black friendly over the many centuries in this country.

Comedians usually are rooting for the underdog. I mean to take a shot at an underdog I think is really stupid and low and not funny.

Setting goals is the first step in turning the invisible into the visible.

You’re dangerous, ” he says.“Why?”“Because you make me believe in the impossible

I am hopeful, though not full of hope, and the only reason I don't believe in happy endings is because I don't believe in endings.

At my age, every day that I overcome simple inertia is a victory.

Our worst comes out when we behave like robots or professionals.

Full many a flower is born to blush unseen.

The honester the man, the worse luck.

Respect all fear none my pride is everything

Sometimes from this hillside just after sunset The rim of the sky takes on a tinge Of the palest green, like the flesh of a cucumber When you peel it carefully.

Drunkenness is nothing but a self-induced state of insanity.