He thinks I look alike!

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies.

A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.

Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

[He] may talk like an idiot, and look like an idiot, but don't let that fool you: he really is an idiot.

As people's hopes soared, Jana felt a tinge of fear.

A thousand goodbyes come after death - the first six months of bereavement.

All decent parents want to do what's best for their children. The Chinese just have a totally different idea of how to do that.

When it moved to Friday night it disappeared, when they find another show that can do what The Simpsons does, they will be delighted to do cancel The Simpsons.

They're beautiful. But sad.' Everything's sad if you make it so, I said.

Prayer means dependence on the Lord.

Loser loser, double loser, whatever, as if, get the picture. DUH!

The California constitution provides that our judges are elected, not appointed. They are serving at the pleasure of the people and they are accountable to the people.

Perfect people don't drink, don't fight, don't lie, don't make mistakes and...don't exist

Why should I be feeling tension? It's The Daily Show.