He was so narrow minded he could see through a keyhole with both eyes.

I prefer someone who burns the flag and then wraps themselves up in the Constitution over someone who burns the Constitution and then wraps themselves up in the flag.

On the whole, I prefer not to be lectured on patriotism by those who keep offshore maildrops in order to avoid paying their taxes.

What we have here, fellow citizens, is a crassly egocentric, raving twit.

It's like, duh. Just when you thought there wasn't a dime's worth of difference between the two parties, the Republicans go and prove you're wrong.

It is possible to read the history of this country as one long struggle to extend the liberties established in our Constitution to everyone in America.

Satire is traditionally the weapon of the powerless against the powerful. I only aim at the powerful. When satire is aimed at the powerless, it is not only cruel -- it's vulgar.

If you ever get to the place where injustice doesn't bother you, you're dead.

One thing that corporations do not do is give out money out of the goodness of their hearts.

I know: "Guns Don't Kill People." But I suspect that they have something to do with it. If you point your finger at someone and say, "Bang, bang, you're dead," not much actually happens.

How the American right managed to convince itself that the programs to alleviate poverty are responsible for the consequences of poverty will someday be studied as a notorious mass illusion.

I have a good mind not to take Aloysius to Venice. I don't want him to meet a lot of horrid Italian bears and pick up bad habits.

You should enjoy the little detours to the fullest. Because that's where you'll find the things more important than what you want.

What happened to romance? Sappy, soppy longhand love letters.

Try becoming a person people want to be with rather than conforming yourself to the false identity of what you conceive their ideal to be.

It is only when a person has his own generator that we can talk about motivation. He then needs no outside stimulation. He wants to do it.

Let me repeat what I have repeated for many months now. I never received nor sent any material that was marked classified.

I spend a lot of time near water.

And I think musicians can better run this state than politicians. And, hell, beauticians can better run the state than politicians.

Going to rehab was the best decision I ever made.

There's the great line: the definition of a liberal is someone who's afraid to take their own side in a fight. And that's my problem with my fellow liberals.