He who laughs.....lasts.

Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?

When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me'.

In two decades I've lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.

Someone once threw me a small, brown, hairy kiwi fruit, and I threw a wastebasket over it until it was dead.

I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.

When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out.

No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed.

Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated.

Thanks to my mother, not a single cardboard box has found its way back into society. We receive gifts in boxes from stores that went out of business twenty years ago.

If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.

It only takes one voice to give others the chance to see possibilities.

The stigma of oddness is the price a myopic world always exacts of genius.

My wife comes from a foodie family so I've been indoctrinated into that. I had sweetbreads the other night, and I have to say, not my favorite thing in the world You're eating a gland.

Nancy, an attractive titian blond, grinned up at her friend.

You cannot hide your true self forever.

There are 2 sorts of pride: one in which we approve others, the other in which we cannot accept ourselves.

Ultimately, it is the people who judge, through elections, whether someone governs well or not. It's not up to other politicians to define and determine our colleagues.

It's become popular in recent years to say that the idea doesn't matter.

You have to keep surprising your audience.

Libraries are sexual dream factories. The langour brings it on.