Hello there. I'm out social climbing, but if you leave your name and number and if you're anybody, I'll get back to you.

Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?

When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me'.

In two decades I've lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.

Someone once threw me a small, brown, hairy kiwi fruit, and I threw a wastebasket over it until it was dead.

I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.

When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out.

No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed.

Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated.

Thanks to my mother, not a single cardboard box has found its way back into society. We receive gifts in boxes from stores that went out of business twenty years ago.

If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.

O daisy mine, what will it be to look / From God's side even of such a simple thing?

I model my life after my Lord and Master Jesus Christ and his life. He has called me into God's family and I am a representative for him so I just try to be obedient to what He asks me to do.

We do not believe in government through the voting booth. The Spanish national will was never freely expressed through the ballot box. Spain has no foolish dreams.

I've never understood multi-party democracy. It's hard enough with two parties.

I like the idea that my work isn't intended only for the Earth, but for the entire Universe.

I'm a female in comedy, so of course I want there to be more women on 'SNL', and women of color.

Say a miracle happened and you could pull stars from the sky. Even if that happened there's no way I would give up a game for you.

Playwriting gets into your blood and you can't stop it. At least not until the producers or the public tell you to.

But the value of gratitude does not consist solely in getting you more blessings in the future. Without gratitude you cannot long keep from dissatisfied thought regarding things as they are.