Here in New York City, it's cold. It's so cold the Republicans want to use the Keystone Pipeline to deliver soup.

Next in importance to having a good aim is to recognize when to pull the trigger.

They say there are about 12 million illegal immigrants in this country. But if you ask a Native American, that number is more like 300 million.

Are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?

I feel like Bush presidencies are like "Godfather" films. You should stop at two.

I was Christmas shopping and ran into a guy on the street. I noticed his watch and said that it runs slow. He said, "So does the guy I stole it from."

President Bush says he needs a month off to unwind. Unwind? When the hell does this guy wind?

Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.

The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know? some of these jokes just write themselves.

Way too much coffee. But if it weren't for the coffee, I'd have no identifiable personality whatsoever.

Somebody threw a book at President Obama. If you're trying to scare a president by throwing a book at him, you're one president too late.

DEAR LIGHT : you colored my life, and then you destroy me!

We are all in this together. Our happiness inextricably is tied to that of all beings.

There are worse things than death.

You do realize that you are addressing the emperor of the Crescent Empire.""And you are addressing a free woman of the desert. You are not my emperor. Therefore, I am your equal.

What are children anyway? Midget drunks. They greet you in the morning by kneeing you in the face and talking gibberish. They can't even walk straight.

You've got to find the force inside you.

If an organ gets a "dis-ease" you want to care for it like a wounded friend, not an enemy who's turned against you.

We never know the reality of things: we see only what we are aware of. It is our consciousness that determines the shape of the world around us -- its size, motion and meaning.

Effective people are not problem minded; they're opportunity-minded. They feed opportunities and starve problems. They think preventively.

We will never walk away from Israel ... Many of us are worried about heaven. Heaven is your reward. You are here as soldiers to take on the enemy.