Here is what is needed for Occupy Wall Street to become a force for change: a clear, and clearly expressed, objective. Or two.

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.

I know what men want. Men want to be really, really close to someone who will leave them alone.

When women are depressed, they eat or go shopping.

I'm just a person trapped inside a woman's body.

I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something is wrong with me.

My fashion philosophy is, if you're not covered in dog hair, your life is empty.

Ever notice that Soup for One is eight aisles away from Party Mix?

The Vatican is against surrogate mothers. Good thing they didn't have that rule when Jesus was born.

You know, if you need 100 rounds to kill a deer, maybe hunting isn't your sport.

It doesn't bother me that I'm not a household word on the East Coast. Baton Rouge, Raleigh, Minneapolis - I'm so popular in these cities where you've never imagined an East Coast comedian working.

We can be convicted of sin—we can pray and confess our sin—we can repent—but the real test is our willingness to obey.

It might have been my human side clamoring for blood, or my alien side looking for a chance to exercise strategic dominance over a lesser life form. Either way, I was going to win.

How often is immense sadness mistaken for courage?

You live your life between your ears.

The fastest way to improve your relationships is to make others feel important in every way possible.

I love films like Deliverance where you can watch it over and over again and decode all of its many different meanings.

And it's one more shitty thing to write about somebody, in between getting really, really, really upset at female Ghostbusters and Gamergate, and the things that really matter.

I don't think there'd be a Tina Fey now if I hadn't tried to look good in the beginning.

The fact of the matter is, you can't do comedy unless someone is behaving badly. Otherwise, it's not a comedy.

Sinatra was just one of Mom's friends.