Here's a Thanksgiving tip. Generally, your turkey is not cooked enough if it passes you the cranberry sauce.

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn't get better. YOU get better.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

You can only greet success when you are ready to say goodbye to failure.

Give a genius enough time and opportunity, and his idiocy will come shining through.

Keep positive.Stay focused.Stand strong.Fight on.

When I was 20, the idea of having a play on anywhere was just beyond my dreams.

I think the majority of the Liberian people want peace.

Nature holds no brief for the human experiment; it must stand or fall by its results.

And it's Gryfindor in possession again, as Johnson takes the Quaffle - Flint alongside her - poke him in the eye, Angelina - it was a joke, professor, it was a joke.

In reply to 'how do I flirt with people?': Just be yourself and not want anything out of anybody. Desire is the killer of all smoothness.

I don't know what makes you so dumb but it really works.

Ohioans know that he inherited a mess and created a surplus. So, on election day, John [Kasich] will prevail in Ohio.