Here's a rule I recommend. Never practice two vices at once.

I think the Republican party should be placed in drydock and have the barnacles scraped off its bottom.

It's the good girls who keep diaries; the bad girls never have the time.

I have three phobias which, could I mute them, would make my life as slick as a sonnet, but as dull as ditch water: I hate to go to bed, I hate to get up, and I hate to be alone.

Only good girls keep diaries. Bad girls don't have time.

If I had to live my life again, I'd make the same mistakes, only sooner.

Too many of our countrymen rejoice in stupidity, look upon ignorance as a badge of honor. They condemn everything they don't understand.

All my life I've been terrible at remembering people's names. I once introduced a friend of mine as Martini. Her name was actually Olive.

Fill what is empty, empty what is full, and scratch where it itches.

My father warned me about men and booze but he never said anything about women and cocaine.

They aren't making mirrors like they use to.

Greatness is not a term of success, but of endurance.

Living is painful. Without pain, reality would escape us and the lessons the world has for us will go untaught.

Did you ever think that if you told me where Bill's hiding his computer program, I would give you anything you asked for?"- Eric, club dead.

The horse does of two things. He does what he thinks he's supposed to do, or he does what he thinks he needs to do to survive.

Whenever you think that your needs are not being met, you’re telling the story of a future

We are a debtor nation, our airports are third world, our highways are falling apart. Our roads, our bridges, everything, we're like third world.

TV is, as I'm discovering now, a marathon. You have to keep going and going and going.

Our prayer is a heart search. It is a reminder to ourselves that we are helpless without His support.

If we ever meet in real life, we can have a conversation. But you should go and live your real life and I'll go and live mine.

September 11th does not justify ignoring the Constitution by creating broad new federal police powers. The rule of law is worthless if we ignore it whenever crises occur.