Here's a tip: never get drunk while wearing a hooded sweatshirt. You will eventually think there's someone right behind you.

Pre-mature ejaculation. Let's talk about it. Premature ejaculation. That's a pretty fancy term for, "Ooooooh Oh no. This has never happened before."

My gym has two-pound weights. If you're using two-pound weights, how did you even open the door to the gym? What's your dream? To pump up and open your mail?

Yeah, I know, some people are against drunk driving, and I call those people 'the cops.' But you know, sometimes, you've just got no choice; those kids gotta get to school!

Let's say you're in a situation where crystal meth can help you. Like, I don't know, you have too many teeth.

Remember when you're young and you think your dad is Superman? And then you grow up and realized he's just a drunk who wears a cape.

Don't get me wrong, I like to cuddle. But there is such a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so that they can't get away.

What's the two things they tell you are healthiest to eat? Chicken and fish. You know what you should do? Combine them, eat a penguin.

Women have all the power because women have all the vaginas.

You know, men and women are a lot alike in certain situations. Like when they're both on fire - they're exactly alike.

You ever make fun of someone so much, you think you should thank them for all the good times you've had?

Some people just needed to be stolen from.

What the enlightened person sees no one could ever tell or describe. Wonder beyond belief. We live in a universe filled with wonder. It is wonder just to live.

One of my friends went on a murder weekend, now he is doing life for it.

Yes, ruling by fooling, is a great British art with great Irish fools to practice on.

There is no error, no addiction with more power than the Cross of Christ.

All painting - the painting of the past as well as of the present - shows us that its essential plastic means were only line and color.

I write a lot about the past because I really see things clearly in hindsight.

I found that life has to be edited to continue.

There are two kinds of investors, be thay large or small: those who don't know where the market is headed, and those who don't know that they don't know.

Look at us human beings: it's so much easier to be right than to love.