Here's an easy way to figure out if you're in a cult: If you're wondering whether you're in a cult, the answer is yes.

Agnostics are just atheists without balls.

A father has to be a provider, a teacher, a role model, but most importantly, a distant authority figure who can never be pleased. Otherwise, how will children ever understand the concept of God?

All Dogs Go To Heaven? Sorry, kids. It's only the dogs who've accepted Christ.

America used to live by the motto "Father Knows Best." Now we're lucky if "Father Knows He Has Children." We've become a nation of sperm donors and baby daddies.

Clearly, America has no shortage of metaphorical opportunities for the poor.

So if animals aren't our friends, then what are they? The answer can be summed up between two buns.

After Jesus showed up, the Old Testament basically became a way for Bible publishers to keep their word coun

All weather is sin-related. Lust causes thunder, anger causes fog, and you don't want to know what causes dew.

That's not a religion, that's Pokemon.

... had to pee like a racehorse at an Iced Tea convention.

I want to speak to the dream in your heart. That dream that has taken a backseat as you have strived to live up to something different.

I notoriously get the hiccups. When I get the hiccups, I get it numerous times in one day.

You can make excuses or you can make progress. You choose.

It interrupts any doing, any ordinary activities, no matter what they happen to be. All thinking demands a stop-and-think.

When I retire and I'm back at home with me kids, they're not going to care that I smiled too much on the field. They're not going to care what kind of team player I was.

Painting is really good fun, I have always enjoyed it. As long as I paint what I want with the freedom that I enjoy, I never tire.

Alas! we give our own coloring to the actions of others.

No one wants to see a person on TV who's super-ultra-cool. That's Superman, that's a thing of the past. Heroes are now flawed, and have terrible tempers, you know? They're real people.

For me, faith means that what is right will win out one day. It means that the universe is not aimless but moves by some positive design.