Here's how you know that you're really drunk: when you get into a taxi cab and you think the fare is the time.

I can smell bullshit from a mile away but it's so much harder to detect when it's around you all day.

I'm a late-night guy.

I can always get better. A lot of my ex-girlfriends don't think I'm funny.

I don't laugh out loud at comics a lot.

Losing my mind sounds so pessimistic. I prefer the term winning my insanity.

When people refer to 'Back in the Day,' it was a Wednesday. Just a little fun fact for you.

I'm quitting the business today. I'm going to open up an appliance store, I've always really been into toasters. I'm giving it all up.

I don't write any of my material down. I like to improvise and be spontaneous.

Trolls look for reasons to hate but really what they are mad at is the fact they are not included in anything ever.

In school I was pretty quiet. Kinda shy until my junior year. But at home I was a freak.

He was a professional athlete and coach, a Ferrari who lived his life in the fast lane. She was a girl-next-door kind of girl, closer to a golf cart than a sports car.

Peace is the most valuable commodity. And it's free!

there is a tendency in part of Wall Street people to pay excessive attention to the most recent figures and the present financial picture.

Within you there is a stillness and sanctuary to which you can retreat at any time and be yourself

Zen is less the study of doctrine than a set of tools for discovering what can be known when the world is looked at with open eyes.

If you aren't confused by quantum mechanics, you haven't really understood it.

Learn to raise capital by any means necessary. That's your primary job as an entrepreneur. You must continually raise capital from family and friends, banks, suppliers, customers and investors.

But learn this custom from the flower: silence your tongue.

Destitute of the fire of God, nothing else counts; possessing fire, nothing else matters.

The duty of a politician for me is to be a representative: a politician is not an expert, experts are experts, hired for their expertise and so on.