Here's something you never hear: Now that I've worked through all my emotional issues, I'm free to dedicate my life to ventriloquism!

Life is like jury duty. Just do it and get it over with.

Competition is the death of art.

Have you noticed since Global Warming took hold that all the snowmen look kind of angry?

They say that cats are the only animal that can sit in your lap and ignore you. To which I say: you've never been to the Spearmint Rhino.

The Cadillac Escalade is the perfect vehicle for a pimp with a growing family.

Why do I always meet women as I'm leaving the dog park with a big bag of poop? And it's always on the day I forgot my dog.

Women are like pumpkins; you search and search for the perfect one, bring it home, and the next thing you know, you're looking for a knife.

I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed.

Unshaven dudes in hoodies and ski caps look so hip and cool, until they too close to a grocery cart full of dented cans.

To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with my pants down.

Look for the heart in a man before you look at what he has.

One should therefore not rely on mere words, but everywhere search for the intention behind them. (121)

Self-harm appealed to my sadness but I didn't let it coax me.

The reason why we do maths is because it's like poetry. It's about patterns, and that really turned me on. It made me feel that maths was in tune with the other things I liked doing.

Physics is much too hard for physicists.

Opportunity is the greatest charity.

To genetic evolution, the human lineage has added the parallel track of cultural evolution.

All I ever wanted to do was act. And pay my bills

Vision and priorities should precede actions. Actions should be judged through the prism of how the firm adds value and the key competencies it seeks to build.

You can swim, too." he says. "Where did you learn that in District Twelve?" "We have a very big bathtub.