Here's the way I look at it. President Bush has uranium-tipped bunker busters and I have puns. I think he'll be OK.

You can truly grieve for every officer who's been lost in the line of duty in this country, and still be troubled by cases of police overreach.

I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.

There are a hell of a lot of jobs that are scarier than live comedy. Like standing in the operating room when a guy's heart stops, and you're the one who has to fix it!

We have it. The smoking gun. The evidence. The potential weapon of mass destruction we have been looking for as our pretext of invading Iraq. There's just one problem - it's in North Korea.

Religion. It's given people hope in a world torn apart by religion.

I've always liked Atlanta. And not just for the strip clubs, but the shopping and the food.

Yes, reason has been a part of organized religion, ever since two nudists took dietary advice from a talking snake.

I really like to put my name on everything, so my roommate doesn't steal it. It's really a throwback to that.

I'm too short to host a late-night talk show. It's like the bar at an amusement-park ride. You have to be six foot two or over.

If your regime is not strong enough to handle a joke, then you don't have a regime.

You can't see beauty with miserable eyes.

Both men and women remain in dysfunctional, loveless relationships when it is materially opportune.

I just love working hard. I love being part of a team I love working toward a common goal.

No scientist ever believes that he has the final answer or the ultimate truth on anything.

To wage a war for a purely moral reason is as absurd as to ravish a woman for a purely moral reason

It is my goal to learn as much about the people I'm surrounded by. I am slowly widening who I am close with, and at the same time, growing further away from others.

People take death lightly. They expect too much of life. That is why people take death lightly.

In the end, passion and hard work beats out natural talent.

Radical feminists have been making the pitch that justice demands that men and women be given an equal opportunity to make it to the top in the workplace.

You must question a code of ethics that never impedes your progress.