Herman Cain said, starting today, if you buy into his 9-9-9 plan, he'll throw in a free 32-ounce soda.

Next in importance to having a good aim is to recognize when to pull the trigger.

They say there are about 12 million illegal immigrants in this country. But if you ask a Native American, that number is more like 300 million.

Are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?

I feel like Bush presidencies are like "Godfather" films. You should stop at two.

I was Christmas shopping and ran into a guy on the street. I noticed his watch and said that it runs slow. He said, "So does the guy I stole it from."

President Bush says he needs a month off to unwind. Unwind? When the hell does this guy wind?

Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.

The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know? some of these jokes just write themselves.

Way too much coffee. But if it weren't for the coffee, I'd have no identifiable personality whatsoever.

Somebody threw a book at President Obama. If you're trying to scare a president by throwing a book at him, you're one president too late.

When literature is discovered, a revelation occurs: the joyful, exultant knowledge that anything can happen.

I have not been short of invitations to other clubs and have been received more warmly by Everton than I have by Liverpool.

I always think it's a sign of a truly gifted director when they can move seamlessly between genres.

My question is what non-Microsoft browsers were you concerned about in January of 1996.

Faith moves mountains, if faith were easy there would be no mountains.

I do my best to write my way through it. It helps the laughing, reflective part come quicker.

I don't want to get rich - just live good.

I turn all thorn then, but you come back again and make my thorniness fragrant and pink and petaled.

I hate that people think it's wrong to say you're inspired by Jaws or by Raiders Of The Lost Ark. You're allowed to be.

Thou canst not speak of what thou dost not feel.