Hey, when I said work fast, I didn't mean your friend, I meant the maid.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies.

A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.

Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

[He] may talk like an idiot, and look like an idiot, but don't let that fool you: he really is an idiot.

I never could bear the idea of anyone's expecting something from me. Italways made me want to do just the opposite.

If you seek the presence of God, you will see the glory of God:

I have the heart of a man, not a woman, and I am not afraid of anything.

His resolve is not to seem, but to be, the best.

What is research but a blind date with knowledge?

My mother had a son from previous marriage and her husband died in Second World War.

My wife runs a non-profit that gives legal information online to victims of domestic violence.

Whenever I do a comedy show I still just read poems, some of which are intentionally funny and some of which are just bizarre. The mix seems to work well.

I love cop shows and crime books and thrillers, and before I die I'm gonna play a cop.

A Rick Santorum presidency would be very, very dangerous for America.