Hi, I'm a buck tooth and I like to be outside past the lips.

I can smell bullshit from a mile away but it's so much harder to detect when it's around you all day.

I'm a late-night guy.

I can always get better. A lot of my ex-girlfriends don't think I'm funny.

I don't laugh out loud at comics a lot.

Here's how you know that you're really drunk: when you get into a taxi cab and you think the fare is the time.

Losing my mind sounds so pessimistic. I prefer the term winning my insanity.

When people refer to 'Back in the Day,' it was a Wednesday. Just a little fun fact for you.

I'm quitting the business today. I'm going to open up an appliance store, I've always really been into toasters. I'm giving it all up.

I don't write any of my material down. I like to improvise and be spontaneous.

Trolls look for reasons to hate but really what they are mad at is the fact they are not included in anything ever.

Miko: You would stand between me and this evil murderer?Hinjo: I'll stand between any two murderers I wish, thanks.

...I conducted a number of experiments to get in touch with my future self. Here are my favorite

There are no accidents so unlucky from which clever people are not able to reap some advantage and none so lucky that the foolish are not able to turn them to their own disadvantage.

My husband will never chase another woman. He's too fine too decent too old.

Maybe because Im a nice and sweet person in life, I like the darker roles. The really dark one is Lady Macbeth.

And of all plagues with which mankind are curst, Ecclesiastic tyranny's the worst.

I love going to the river not only to enjoy nature, but to think about the Los Angeles River's place in our city's history and to envision its great place in our future.

There can be no friendship between cowards, or cowards and brave men.

I remember when I first got into the league, I thought how it would be nice to have a year when you were the best. That means your team is probably winning.

Greatness is attained only by the thinking of great thoughts.