Hillary Clinton could use one of these Apple Watches. She could hook it up to her secret email account. If you want to contact Hillary, she's at [email protected].

Next in importance to having a good aim is to recognize when to pull the trigger.

They say there are about 12 million illegal immigrants in this country. But if you ask a Native American, that number is more like 300 million.

Are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?

I feel like Bush presidencies are like "Godfather" films. You should stop at two.

I was Christmas shopping and ran into a guy on the street. I noticed his watch and said that it runs slow. He said, "So does the guy I stole it from."

President Bush says he needs a month off to unwind. Unwind? When the hell does this guy wind?

Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.

The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know? some of these jokes just write themselves.

Way too much coffee. But if it weren't for the coffee, I'd have no identifiable personality whatsoever.

Somebody threw a book at President Obama. If you're trying to scare a president by throwing a book at him, you're one president too late.

Life is sad, life is a bust, all you can do is do what you must.

The highest possible stage in moral culture is when we recognize that we ought to control our thoughts.

As far as men go, it is not what they are that interests me, but what they can become.

Sometimes I just think people are haters. And if they're haters, you can listen to what they have to say but you have to take it with a grain of salt.

I know no diplomacy save that of truth.

If you tell me that the sky is red, I will look up.

Printing links the present with forever. It carries personal identity into realms unknown.

The alliance of love between a man and a woman, an alliance for life, cannot be improvised, and is not made in a day.

Competition for status is a zero sum game

The worst thing that can happen to Russia is indifference in the West - that is, if it were interested in nothing but oil and gas.