Hillary Clinton is running for president. This time around, she promises to be warm and approachable. Like me.

Next in importance to having a good aim is to recognize when to pull the trigger.

They say there are about 12 million illegal immigrants in this country. But if you ask a Native American, that number is more like 300 million.

Are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?

I feel like Bush presidencies are like "Godfather" films. You should stop at two.

I was Christmas shopping and ran into a guy on the street. I noticed his watch and said that it runs slow. He said, "So does the guy I stole it from."

President Bush says he needs a month off to unwind. Unwind? When the hell does this guy wind?

Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.

The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know? some of these jokes just write themselves.

Way too much coffee. But if it weren't for the coffee, I'd have no identifiable personality whatsoever.

Somebody threw a book at President Obama. If you're trying to scare a president by throwing a book at him, you're one president too late.

When we help others to live peacefully our life unknowingly becomes peaceful.

Gie me a spark o' nature's fire that's a' the learning I desire.

Worship that is in some way divorced from mission is counterfeit worship

You are wrong if you think that you can in any way take the vision and tame it to the page. The page is jealous and tyrannical; the page is made of time and matter; the page always wins.

Yeah, I'm very impressed with Lifetime, this is the first time I've worked with them. I really like the kind of programming that they're into, so I'm hoping that I will.

Put your makeup on, fix your hair up pretty. And meet me tonight in Atlantic City

Miss can I get a second to speak and quietly mention, That I am so into who you are, can I get your attention?

I'm a firm believer in God and I don't think he'd want me acting a certain way.

When I was starting to write, the great influence was T.S. Eliot and after that William Butler Yeats.

It's important to listen to those around you, and ultimately you have to decide which path you're going to go down.