Hillary's trying to appear downhome. Earlier today she was sitting on the front porch of a general store whittling a pantsuit.

Next in importance to having a good aim is to recognize when to pull the trigger.

They say there are about 12 million illegal immigrants in this country. But if you ask a Native American, that number is more like 300 million.

Are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?

I feel like Bush presidencies are like "Godfather" films. You should stop at two.

I was Christmas shopping and ran into a guy on the street. I noticed his watch and said that it runs slow. He said, "So does the guy I stole it from."

President Bush says he needs a month off to unwind. Unwind? When the hell does this guy wind?

Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.

The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know? some of these jokes just write themselves.

Way too much coffee. But if it weren't for the coffee, I'd have no identifiable personality whatsoever.

Somebody threw a book at President Obama. If you're trying to scare a president by throwing a book at him, you're one president too late.

Contrary to popular belief: Knowing where you are from will not really tell you where you are going. It will merely tell you why you are where you are.

How long we live is much more important than how well we live!

And what if that news anchor is creepy? He's too smooth, and he has that hairpiece.

I spot a fly floating on the surface of the water, its little legs pumping madly as it fights to keep itself afloat. I know that feeling.

Love is a weakness which converts even the strongest minds as its slave and makes them sing its tune.

There are so many things that have to go right for a movie to be good that it's a miracle whenever one is.

American leadership looks to the world and just as Lincoln did sees the family of man. Humanity is not a zero-sum game.

The truth, it seems, is not just what you find when you open a door: it is itself a door, which the poet is always on the verge of going through.

I arrived in the middle of a press conference - as boring a thing to sit through if you don't know the language as it is if you do.

One thing that literature would be greatly the better for Would be a more restricted employment by authors of simile and>metaphor.