His motto is "Love Thy Neighbor". His neighbor is an 18 year old hooker.

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started.

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.

Our wisdom comes from our experience, and our experience comes from our foolishness.

When you depart from this world, you must have the confidence that you have left your footprints in the sands of time, that you were among those who fulfilled their purpose

It was a Greek tragedy. Nixon was fulfilling his own nature. Once it started it could not end otherwise.

Civilization is not a burden. It is an opportunity.

No people in history have ever survived who thought they could protect their freedom by making themselves inoffensive to their enemies.

When youre a girl, passion can dominate the equation, but as you grow up relationships evolve. Mad passion can grab you at first, but it cant last forever.

What people think of as the moment of discovery is really the discovery of the question.

Donald Trump has to understand and his family has to understand that there is a public interest which transcends them.

Holidays and vacations can help to balance activity with contemplation, haste with more natural rhythms, noise with the heralding silence of peace.

Give me a few minutes to talk away my face and I can seduce the Queen of France.