Historian - a broad-gauge gossip.

Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret.

The most affectionate creature in the world is a wet dog.

War is God's way of teaching Americans geography.

In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of office.

Mayonnaise: One of the sauces which serve the French in place of a state religion.

Admiral. That part of a warship which does the talking while the figurehead does the thinking.

Spring beckons! All things to the call respond; the trees are leaving and cashiers abscond.

NEPOTISM, n. Appointing your grandmother to office for the good of the party.

Divorce: a resumption of diplomatic relations and rectification of boundaries.

Clairvoyant, n.: A person, commonly a woman, who has the power of seeing that which is invisible to her patron - namely, that he is a blockhead.

I've learned that you know your husband still loves you when there are two brownies left and he takes the smaller one.

Friendships in childhood are usually a matter of chance, whereas in adolescence they are most often a matter of choice.

The Christian's heart must be soaked in prayer before the true spiritual fruits begin to grow.

My Chemical Romance is done. But it can never die.

You shouldn't be shot just because someone yells, "Halt" or resisting arrest or running away from being arrested.

I do some concerts. At the moment, I'm being helped a lot by a gig I play in London, which is Pizza Express.

I recommend sports, I don't recommend gambling.

Money you haven't earned is not good for you.

Reading to kids is to ordinary reading what jazz is to a string quartet.

Everything is valuable under the right conditions. To a man dying of thirst, water be more precious than gold. To a drowning man, water be of little worth and great trouble.