Historic in a good sense, not historic in a sense of 'so we dropped bombs on everyone.

You can truly grieve for every officer who's been lost in the line of duty in this country, and still be troubled by cases of police overreach.

I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.

There are a hell of a lot of jobs that are scarier than live comedy. Like standing in the operating room when a guy's heart stops, and you're the one who has to fix it!

We have it. The smoking gun. The evidence. The potential weapon of mass destruction we have been looking for as our pretext of invading Iraq. There's just one problem - it's in North Korea.

Religion. It's given people hope in a world torn apart by religion.

I've always liked Atlanta. And not just for the strip clubs, but the shopping and the food.

Yes, reason has been a part of organized religion, ever since two nudists took dietary advice from a talking snake.

I really like to put my name on everything, so my roommate doesn't steal it. It's really a throwback to that.

I'm too short to host a late-night talk show. It's like the bar at an amusement-park ride. You have to be six foot two or over.

If your regime is not strong enough to handle a joke, then you don't have a regime.

Only a child expects life to be just

A good shepherd encourages and inspires each one that works alongside him.

Life never seems to go the way you imagine it will.

I think the War on Terror is really absurd, especially coming from a country that is founded on terrorism.

Don't fake it till you make it. Fake it till you become it.

Yoga's hard for me, but I know you can really feel the difference when you do it consistently. I'd rather be playing basketball.

I feel such a tenderness for these vulnerable nighttime conversations, the way words take a different shape in the air when there's no light in the room.

My friends all say I’m going to be Secretary of State, [but] I don’t see how that would be much different from the job I have now

I've never been a manipulator, even in my bachelor days. I never wanted to do things to people that could catch up with me later on.

Get there first with the most men.