History – An account mostly false, of events unimportant, which are brought about by rulers mostly knaves, and soldiers mostly fools.

Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret.

The most affectionate creature in the world is a wet dog.

War is God's way of teaching Americans geography.

In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of office.

Mayonnaise: One of the sauces which serve the French in place of a state religion.

Admiral. That part of a warship which does the talking while the figurehead does the thinking.

Spring beckons! All things to the call respond; the trees are leaving and cashiers abscond.

NEPOTISM, n. Appointing your grandmother to office for the good of the party.

Divorce: a resumption of diplomatic relations and rectification of boundaries.

Clairvoyant, n.: A person, commonly a woman, who has the power of seeing that which is invisible to her patron - namely, that he is a blockhead.

A rat is neither good nor evil. It just does what a rat is suppose to do. From Phantom

Don't let where you are in life to cause you to be so insecure about yourself. There is more to you than your flaws and negative conditions. You are a royal child of God.

He speaks to the poor, the powerless, and he mocks the rich and powerful. He isn't the Messiah the Pharisees are looking for.

It is not reasonable that those who gamble with men's lives should not pay with their own.

I leave scientists mentally scarred, Triple Extra Large, Wild like rock stars who smash guitars.

I want to go to college. I'm going to take four years off. I don't want to miss that. I want to be a writer. I think that'd be awesome.

Working moms, and increasingly working dads, don't want a government handout, but they do need a hand up.

Everyone hates clowns," Otis said. "Even other clowns hate clowns.

I'd like to see 'Top Chef: Amateur'. Sometimes we have an amateur chef on the show and they just can't cut it against the pros but there are some great stories there.

Use, do not abuse; neither abstinence nor excess ever renders man happy.