History is an account, mostly false, of events, mostly unimportant, which are brought about by rulers, mostly knaves, and soldiers, mostly fools.

Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret.

The most affectionate creature in the world is a wet dog.

War is God's way of teaching Americans geography.

In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of office.

Mayonnaise: One of the sauces which serve the French in place of a state religion.

Admiral. That part of a warship which does the talking while the figurehead does the thinking.

Spring beckons! All things to the call respond; the trees are leaving and cashiers abscond.

NEPOTISM, n. Appointing your grandmother to office for the good of the party.

Divorce: a resumption of diplomatic relations and rectification of boundaries.

Clairvoyant, n.: A person, commonly a woman, who has the power of seeing that which is invisible to her patron - namely, that he is a blockhead.

To live is to evolve our point of view about the world and what we have decided to do with it.

Money doesn’t help if your mind is poor

He that never changes his opinions and never corrects his mistakes will never be wiser on the morrow than he is today.

He who when called upon to speak a disagreeable truth tells it boldly and has done is both bolder and milder than he who nibbles in a low voice and never ceases nibbling.

I don't use my writing career as a vehicle to get me acting work or to write roles for myself.

Sound is more than just noise. Ordered sound is music. My life is music.

Negroes and Southern Europeans are mentally inferior to native born Americans.

A photograph is not necessarily a lie, but it isn't the truth either. It's more like a fleeting, subjective impression.

I walked along that slippery slope where if you fail through lack of faith, you sell your soul to the devil.

There's been a lot of speculation about every single girl I'm with and it actually does quite irritate me after a while, more so because it's a complete pain for the girls.