Hollywood called me, asking me, "How much to do a movie with Farrah Fawcett?" "$50,000" They called back, "How about $20,000?" I said, "I'll pay it!"

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started.

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.

At that moment, Oliver realized that home is not a place, but rather, the people who love you.

Every new truth begins in a shocking heresy.

We have always found the Irish a bit odd. They refuse to be English.

The great thing about him, is that he will not quit.

As you love His children, Heavenly Father will guide you, and angels will assist you.You will be given power to bless lives and rescue souls.

I'd love a drug that was good for you, I was thinking about ecstacy with Vitamin B.

He who has never hoped can never despair

My love's a noble madness.

The materialist assumption that spiritual substances do not exist is as much an act of faith as the religious belief in the reality of angels.

I define art as a work created by a human that has a unique point of view and discovers something that was not there before.