Homemade' sounds much better when not referring to tattoos.

If I do marry, I'll expect a pretty serious dowry. I'm talking goats, pigs, chickens, the works.

Life is what you make of it, unless you have tourette's, in which case much becomes involuntary.

If space suits looked less like marshmallows, I'd be more interested in going to the moon.

Cupcakes are the tattooed brunette chick of the baked goods world.

Love is a crocodile just above the water line waiting to attack the innocent herbivore of my freedom.

Met someone who works at the zoo. Apparently the panda is a nasty animal.

Happiness is a carnival game. It's never as easy as it looks, but the dumb ones always seem to be walking around with a big stuffed animal.

It's a wonder you don't see the zebra being trotted out as a metaphor for racial harmony more often.

Every time I see a happy couple I want to give them a polygraph.

Insecurity is like herpes. It's not going anywhere. May as well learn to laugh at it.

Clergymen almost necessarily fail in two ways as teachers of morals. They condemn acts which do no harm and they condone acts which do great harm.

They [illegals] are bringing drugs, they're bringing crime, they're rapists.

Id rather be seen the way I am now instead of falling over myself walking out of a club.

Fiction is nothing less than the subtlest instrument for self-examination and self-display that Mankind has invented yet.

The fact is that the creative person is a disciplined craftsman whose 'gift' is a reaching out toward his most profound personal potential.

Whoever values peace of mind and the health of the soul will live the best of all possible lives.

The test of a true myth is that each time you return to it, new insights and interpretations arise.

I think people are beating each other up in the halls of Congress, as they did in the late 1850s.

With opportunity comes responsibility.