Honest to God, so International Women's Day, just like May Day and just like Earth Day, all have roots to Marxism and the Bolsheviks and the Soviets.

If Thomas Jefferson thought taxation without representation was bad, he should see how it is with representation.

Poverty is not the root cause of crime.

Liberals attempt through judicial activism what they cannot win at the ballot box.

We're not sexists, we're chauvinists - we're male chauvinist pigs, and we're happy to be because we think that's what men were destined to be. We think that's what women want.

End results that work that don’t involve government threaten liberals.

You know why there's a Second Amendment? In case the government fails to follow the first one.

Styrofoam and plastic milk jugs are biodegradable! Do you know what isn't biodegradable? Paper!

I think cigars are just a tremendous addition to the enjoyment of life.

The NAACP should have riot rehearsal. They should get a liquor store and practice robberies.

In a country of children where the option is Santa Claus or work, what wins?

If you manage to make it to some semblance of adulthood, just showing up turns out to be one of the kindest, most selfless things you can do for someone.

I'm starting to feel like a character from one of these books

Christmas is a fun theme for a courtroom tale, because like that "Miracle on 34th Street", strange things have been known to happen when Christmas and the law come face to face.

I am what I am, I'm doing very well in my life, and I'm thankful to God for that.

Never complain of that of which it is at all times in your power to rid yourself.

Unless something real cool comes along, I will probably be doing features, so long as I can make a living doing that. Otherwise, I will do another show.

There is no perfect painting and there is no perfect solution.

All God's angels come to us disguised.

Life happens. Love happens. You gotta take some chances.

You can't make anything authentic by asking people what they want because they don't know what they want. That's what they're looking at you for.