Honestly, I just want to keep people awake. Or at least give you one joke to go to bed with.

Don't keep reaching for the stars because you'll just look like an idiot stretching that way for no reason.

Thank you, people who say 'Wow, you're really photogenic,' for not saying what you really mean: 'Wow, you're really ugly in person.'

Thank you... fantasy football draft, for letting me know that even in my fantasies, I am bad at sports.

In New York, there are so many potholes, they're like craters on the moon. That's another traffic thing.

The man who invented Doritos has passed away at the age of 97. He asked to be buried with the creator of Fritos and Cheetos in a variety pack.

I just really don't like being the center of attention that much. It's kind of ironic.

If you're a sports fan you realize that when you meet somebody, like a girlfriend, they kind of have to root for your team. They don't have a choice.

I know what you want. And I know what you need. But I'm gonna screw it up, yeah, cause I'm an idiot. And I'm your boyfriend.

Researches at Yale found a connection between brain cancer and work environment. The No. 1 most dangerous job for developing brain cancer? Plutonium hat model.

I don't shoot guns. I don't know how to do that. I grew Upstate New York, so I fought with my fists.

When the dog bites, when the bee stings... I simply remember I have a boyfriend and suddenly things don't seem quite so completely shit.

Luck affects everything. Let your hook be always cast. In the stream where you least expect it there will be a fish.

The pressures are intense, because the rewards for success and the penalty for failure are more and more.

Violence is never a solution in my plays, just as ultimately violence is never a solution in human affairs.

Leadership requires creating conditions that enable employees to do the kinds of experimentation that entrepreneurship requires.

The combative instinct is a savage prompting by which one man's good is found in another's evil.

There is no virtue inherent in un-constructive suffering.

I am earth, earth My heart's love Bursts with hay and flowers. I am a lake of blue air In which my own appointed place Field and valley Stand reflected

Both the old and young Karamakates are portrayed by indigenous men, neither of them professional actors. The old shaman is played by Antonio Bolivar Salvador.

You wouldn't go very long without eating food; don't let your spirit starve either. Feed on the Word of God every day.