Honey, what happened to "ladies first"? Husband replies, "That's the reason why the worlds a mess today, because a lady went first!"

Next in importance to having a good aim is to recognize when to pull the trigger.

They say there are about 12 million illegal immigrants in this country. But if you ask a Native American, that number is more like 300 million.

Are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?

I feel like Bush presidencies are like "Godfather" films. You should stop at two.

I was Christmas shopping and ran into a guy on the street. I noticed his watch and said that it runs slow. He said, "So does the guy I stole it from."

President Bush says he needs a month off to unwind. Unwind? When the hell does this guy wind?

Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.

The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know? some of these jokes just write themselves.

Way too much coffee. But if it weren't for the coffee, I'd have no identifiable personality whatsoever.

Somebody threw a book at President Obama. If you're trying to scare a president by throwing a book at him, you're one president too late.

Still there are some, braver and more valiant than their peers, who face their demons head on, staring defiantly into the shadows, demanding forgiveness.

There is no greater power on this earth than story.

There is an innocence in admiration: it occurs in one who has not yet realized that they might one day be admired.

Down time is where we become ourselves... a hiatus that passes for boredom but is really the quiet moving of the wheels inside that fuel creativity.

To execute a man we don't need proof of his guilt. We only need proof that it's necessary to execute him. It's that simple.

Making a cartoon occupied usually about three full days, two spent in labour and one in removing the appearance of labour.

[ Hillary Clinton] is the one who has a terrible temperament.

Trust me, there are as many ways of living as there are men, and one is no more fit to lead another, than a bird to lead a fish, or a fish a quadruped.

Start today to follow your heart. Map out your own journey. Have the adventure of a lifetime.

Anyone who seeks to be involved in politics should join hands with America.