Honorable, adj.: Afflicted with an impediment in one's reach. In legislative bodies, it is customary to mention all members as honorable; as, "the honorable gentleman is a scurvy cur.".

Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret.

The most affectionate creature in the world is a wet dog.

War is God's way of teaching Americans geography.

In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of office.

Mayonnaise: One of the sauces which serve the French in place of a state religion.

Admiral. That part of a warship which does the talking while the figurehead does the thinking.

Spring beckons! All things to the call respond; the trees are leaving and cashiers abscond.

NEPOTISM, n. Appointing your grandmother to office for the good of the party.

Divorce: a resumption of diplomatic relations and rectification of boundaries.

Clairvoyant, n.: A person, commonly a woman, who has the power of seeing that which is invisible to her patron - namely, that he is a blockhead.

Sometimes i don't have enough soul in my cheeks to show my face to the world.

A spouse is someone you can live with

That in the captain's but a choleric word, Which in the soldier is flat blasphemy.

It is important to remember that we are attacked not because we are bad, but because the devil doesn’t like God blessing us

In disagreements with loved ones, deal only with the current situation. Don't bring up the past.

The state authorities have no place in the church of God, no right to control and persecute the conscience.

There is no season when such pleasant and sunny spots may be lighted on, and produce so pleasant an effect on the feelings as now in October.

[Writing] is harder than you think. You'll be rejected often. If you do it for money, you'll quit. Love it or don't do it.

You know it's love when you want to keep holding hands even after you're sweaty.

Cause if you’re happy in your head, then solitude is blessed, and alone is okay.