Hookers in Times Square, God bless 'em, are offering a Mitt Romney Special. For an extra $20 they'll change positions.

Next in importance to having a good aim is to recognize when to pull the trigger.

They say there are about 12 million illegal immigrants in this country. But if you ask a Native American, that number is more like 300 million.

Are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?

I feel like Bush presidencies are like "Godfather" films. You should stop at two.

I was Christmas shopping and ran into a guy on the street. I noticed his watch and said that it runs slow. He said, "So does the guy I stole it from."

President Bush says he needs a month off to unwind. Unwind? When the hell does this guy wind?

Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.

The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know? some of these jokes just write themselves.

Way too much coffee. But if it weren't for the coffee, I'd have no identifiable personality whatsoever.

Somebody threw a book at President Obama. If you're trying to scare a president by throwing a book at him, you're one president too late.

You yourself are your own barrier – rise from within it.

Only the Supreme Being_Allah is Perfect!For humans intention of being a perfectionist can cause sudden downfall and disgrace even below average.

Love one another and you will be happy. It's as simple and as difficult as that.

Keep the other person's well-being in mind when you feel an attack of soul-purging truth coming on.

It is a common happening that those in power, as their tenure of office continues, find themselves less and less able to contemplate relinquishing it.

I was trying to do the same thing that I always do which is make an interesting record

We cannot waste time. We can only waste ourselves.

A career is born in public - talent in privacy.

I don't think there's any company that has the same tools as Martha Stewart Living does, and people know that. They really love the tools and, if you have the tools, you can pretty much do the craft.

In writing, punctuation plays the role of body language. It helps readers hear you the way you want to be heard.