Horse is fine. I'll ride a horse.

Telling me that I’m obsessed with talking about racism in America is like telling me I’m obsessed with swimming when I’m drowning.

I don't tie my shoes right. I tie them the way you would tie a gift, like a bow.

I am able to apply certain things to my craft that maybe other comedians don't, because I'm a devotee.

We've never had a female President in this country, which I find stunning

For years now, people have mentioned my mustache and get disappointed that when they see me live I don't have a mustache.

Another stupid thing I believed for a long time was that pizza was supposed to be said peed-za.

I don't look like a lot of fun. I just don't.

There are a lot of times where people think I'm in things that I'm not in, because they think I'm Kumail Nanjiani.

It's always fun when you see different comics at different weights or with different hair.

I wrote a lot of poetry in the last two years of high school, all about the same girl I was in love with. That was pretty awful. Did you know that in poetry, every line does not need to rhyme?

It is better to lack the semblance of honor but possess it than to possess the semblance and lack the honor.

I'm afraid to live and afraid to die.

Repeated actions are stored as habits. If the repeated actions aren't fundamentally sound, then what comes out in a game can't be sound. What comes out will be bad habits.

I put Algernon's body in a cheese box and buried him in the backyard. I cried.

Well then,' said Femworth as he came to his feet, 'let's go. Sounds like a delightful challenge before supper. Stimulate the appetite, or kill it. Interesting either way.

You can only give away what you have ... If you have love, you can give it. If you don't have it, you don't have it to give.

When occupations come to us we must accept them; when things come to us we must understand them from the ground up.

The reminder that there are people who have worse troubles than you is not an effective pain-killer.

To reconceive the Christ! It is the special task of our age.

Gun stripping is the tea ceremony of America.