Horse racing is waning in popularity.

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.

I know what men want. Men want to be really, really close to someone who will leave them alone.

When women are depressed, they eat or go shopping.

I'm just a person trapped inside a woman's body.

I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something is wrong with me.

My fashion philosophy is, if you're not covered in dog hair, your life is empty.

Ever notice that Soup for One is eight aisles away from Party Mix?

The Vatican is against surrogate mothers. Good thing they didn't have that rule when Jesus was born.

You know, if you need 100 rounds to kill a deer, maybe hunting isn't your sport.

It doesn't bother me that I'm not a household word on the East Coast. Baton Rouge, Raleigh, Minneapolis - I'm so popular in these cities where you've never imagined an East Coast comedian working.

Even strength must bow to wisdom sometimes.

My intellect tells me "read between the lines.. No need to humor something that is what it is and is not what it was.

It is decidedly not true that "nice guys finish last," as that highly original American baseball philosopher, Leo Durocher, was alleged to have said.

Poetry is the way we help give name to the nameless so it can be thought.

The real radical is that person who has a vision of equality and is willing to do those things that will bring reality closer to that vision. . .

You were so sweet when you didn't know who you were.

You know what guys do? They stand up for people. You know why? Two reasons. It's right. And it feels good. Even if the person doesn't know what you did. Maybe especially then.

If you're not living on the edge then you're taking up a little too much space.

One thing I'm not going to do is chase staying alive. You spend so much time chasing staying alive, you won't live.

When one loves, one does not calculate.