[Hospitalized and pressing the nurse's button before dictating letters to her secretary:] This should assure us of at least forty-five minutes of undisturbed privacy.

Of course I talk to myself. I like a good speaker, and I appreciate an intelligent audience.

The first thing I do in the morning is brush my teeth and sharpen my tongue.

The only dependable law of life - everything is always worse than you thought it was going to be.

Creativity is a wild mind and a disciplined eye.

I like to have a martini/Two at the very most/After three I'm under the table/After four I'm under my host.

Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.

Men seldom make passes at girls who wear glasses.

If you want to know what God thinks about money, just look at the people He gives it to.

Never throw mud: you can miss the target, but your hands will remain dirty.

Years are only garments, and you either wear them with style all your life, or else you go dowdy to the grave.

Look at the rain long enough, with no thoughts in your head, and you gradually feel your body falling loose, shaking free of the world of reality. Rain has the power to hypnotize.

Misuse of reason might yet return the world to pre-technological night; plenty of religious zealots hunger for just such a result, and are happy to use the latest technology to effect it.

No female iniquity was more severely condemned than the habit of plucking eyebrows and the hairline to heighten the forehead.

Whatever the parents are doing, the kids will follow suit.

Believing in one’s own art becomes harder and harder when the public response grows fonder.

My religion enables me, obliges me to imbibe all that is good in all the great religions of the earth.

I never had a penny to my name, so I changed my name.

For me, Mexploitation seemed like something that should have existed, but didn't.

If your life was all you had to give your beloved, how could you not give it?

I've made every mistake - but mistakes are how you learn.