Housework can kill you if done right.

Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?

When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me'.

In two decades I've lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.

Someone once threw me a small, brown, hairy kiwi fruit, and I threw a wastebasket over it until it was dead.

I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.

When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out.

No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed.

Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated.

Thanks to my mother, not a single cardboard box has found its way back into society. We receive gifts in boxes from stores that went out of business twenty years ago.

If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.

It was time for me to make my stand

Any experience that isn't fun is probably something I will at least use in my writing someday.

Russians make up a pretty disproportionate cross-section of a lot of our assets.

America is the land of freedom and that’s the way I enjoy living.

In the ladies' room, Alice studied her image in the mirror. The reflected older woman's face didn't quite match the picture that she had of herself in her mind's eye." p 35

Congress does two things well: nothing and overreacting.

to have solely one thought, but it to be capable to destroy the universe.

We're still dancing to tunes created by men who thought that a thunderstorm was a sig of God's anger.

Leadership is not about being a nice person or not a nice person.

There is no way to prosperity, prosperity is the way.