Housework, if you do it right, will kill you.

Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?

When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me'.

In two decades I've lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.

Someone once threw me a small, brown, hairy kiwi fruit, and I threw a wastebasket over it until it was dead.

I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.

When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out.

No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed.

Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated.

Thanks to my mother, not a single cardboard box has found its way back into society. We receive gifts in boxes from stores that went out of business twenty years ago.

If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.

What you choose to do in this life will surely affect you in the next... Just do good, even when it's very hard to do so. It's your life that's on the line.

Life is a series of events and sensations. Everything else is interpretation. Much is lost in transition - and added in assumption / projection

For my part, if a man must needs be a knave I would have him a debonair knave... It makes your sin no worse as I conceive, to do it à la mode and stylishly.

For me, acting is play. It's just play and it's playing make believe really, really well.

Want to raise children who will be happy adults? Teach them not to whine.

We must realize our own talents and, having realized, accept them; and play on them like a symphony in which all other instruments are harmonized to make a better universe.

With men, as with women, the main struggle is between vanity and comfort; but with men, comfort often wins.

To all my critics, you get paid to be negative.

We can't do this without you," I managed at last. "Everyone talks about my powers, but you're the badass here.

News - communicating news and ideas, I guess - is my passion. And giving people alternatives so that they have two papers to read (and) alternative television channels.