How about this, have you ever farted so hard you shivered?

I shot me a nice deer, and I hung it on the den wall in my house. My neighbor comes over and he says, Did you shoot that thing? I said, Nope. He ran through the wall and got stuck. Here's your sign.

There's a group in California that wants to make suicide a capital offense punishable by death. That's like punishing someone for being on a hunger strike by sending them to bed with no supper.

I just hate stupid people. They should have to wear signs that say 'I'm Stupid.' That way you wouldn't rely on them, and you wouldn't ask them for nothing.

I pulled the boy close to me and said you see that girl, thats my only lil girl. So if you think about huggin or kissin. Remember these words. I aint afraid to go back to prison.

That's why they're man's best friend. 'Cause guys want buddies that are dumber than they are. So do women, but they've already got men

Ma'am, when I got up this morning, I didn't want to be jackass. You just pushed my jackass button.

In 1903 the Wright brothers invented airplanes, because in 1902 they took a road trip across the country with their family.

Yesterday, my son was out in the yard playing with his friend, and he hit his friend. I walked up to him, and I said, "Hey... We don't hit". He looked at me like, "Here's your sign, Dad".

Can someone explain to me why pilots feel they need to wake everyone to tell us that we are flying by a cloud that looks like a monkey.

Ketchup is great on hamburgers, but if some gets on your shirt, that does not make your shirt also a hamburger.

God's ways of making Himself known are infinite.

Whatever the other person sees according to his view-point, you have to accept it. How can we make others accept our view-point?

When you give all your power to the powers that be, you take away the powers of thee.

It's not the one thing nor the other that leads to madness, but the space in between.

Kilbane did what he normally does: ran his heart out and gave the ball away a lot.

The day that I ever become hip... please shoot me and put me outta my misery!

Our prejudices are our robbers, they rob us valuable things in life. People only see what they are prepared to see.

I'm glad to be able to announce that the UK now has it's very own mindless twit. || Either that or he's a damn good satirist.

I think the whole system of education would change if I were in charge and had the ability to make changes. I don't think I would keep Princeton exactly being Princeton.

Sense shines with double lustre when set in humility.