How can you analyse what is funny? What's funny to one isn't funny to another... What's funny to you is a personal thing.

I went to my doctor and asked for something for persistent wind. He gave me a kite.

I took the wife's family out for tea biscuits. They weren't too happy about having to give blood though.

I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.'

My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well. I was amazed; I never knew they worked.

I went to the doctor last week. I said: 'Can I have some sleeping pills for the wife?' He said: 'Why?' I said: 'She's woke up.

I toyed with the idea of playing Ravel's 'Pavane pour une infante defunte' but I couldn't remember if it's a tune or Latin prescription for piles.

My mother-in-law has come round to our house at Christmas seven years running. This year we're having a change. We're going to let her in.

My lad chewed and swallowed a dictionary. We gave him Epsom salts - but we can't get a word out of him.

A square egg in a dish of lentils won't make a marrow bend with the wind, nor will it make rhubarb grow up the milkmaid's leg.

I don't mind what the critics say, so long as I get some reaction. The worst thing is to be ignored.

Don’t you ever cry again, Miss Zarish, ” he said in a strict but mild tone. “I would rather die than see tears in your eyes.

Stephen A.Douglas was a risk-taker by temperament; I expect that Lincoln - Douglas debates represented another risk he just couldn't resist. He lived to regret it.

The world is your canvas and your teacher.Take a day to reflect, measure and adjust on your goals; progress is essential to continued success.

I'm definitely on the pursuit of perfection...I will always be learning.

There can be very powerful releases of energy that can catch you off guard until you have a better sense of what you are doing.

Castles are Forrests of stones.

It is as if only irrelevance can be promoted as art.

Once you finish the script, it's no longer yours; it's the other people making it, which sometimes can be hard.

Westernized Indians don't like my books and I tend not to like westernized Indians - so we're quits.

I'm not the guy who's afraid of failure. I like to take risks, take the big shot and all that.