How can you get bored if the audience is cheering and laughing at something you're doing?

It doesn't take a military genius to see we'll all be crispy critters after World War III.

As my father used to tell me, the only true sign of success in life is being able to do for a living that which makes you happy.

In heaven there is no beer. That's why we drink ours here.

If money can't buy happiness, then I guess I'll have to rent it.

You got me stranded on the bungee tower of love.

I'm still a geek on the inside, that's the important thing.

At this point I've got a bit of a track record. So people realize that when 'Weird Al' wants to go parody, it's not meant to make them look bad... it's meant to be a tribute.

If you want to avoid heated arguments, never discuss religion, politics, or whether the toilet paper roll should go over or under.

As a wise man once said, “April Fools Day is for amateurs. You NEVER need an excuse to mess with people's heads.”

Nows the time to go for all the gusto you can grab. You'll have plenty of time to be low-key when you're laid out on the slab.

I do not know what it was about that boy but just looking at him, even I wanted to clout him on the head. It was a head that invited violence.

My life is ruled by four W’s: my writing, my work, my wife, and my whisky. Not necessarily in that order.

I define the American dream as the ability to imagine a way that you want your life to turn out, and have a reasonable hope that you can achieve that.

Because life is complicated and difficult. Anyone who says otherwise hasn't truly lived.

We seldom stop to think that we are still creatures of the sea, able to leave it only because, from birth to death, we wear the water-filled space suits of our skins.

Who doth right deeds Is twice born, and who doeth ill deeds vile.

This Day, whate'er the Fates decree; Shall still be kept with Joy by me: This Day then, let us not be told, That you are sick, and I grown old

Faced with the choice of enduring a bad toothache or going to the dentist, we generally tried to ride out the bad tooth.

Paradox likes contradictions with exits.

Are You Living or Just Existing?" -Tyler Perry The Family That Preys