How do we help the church get their respect back? I have a plan: pedophile crucifixions.

Screw normal. You know why? 'Cause if you're normal, the crowd will accept you. But if you're deranged, the crowd will make you their leader.

Everyone has an enemy. It's why God gave us baseball bats. Well, He gave us trees, but we knew what He meant.

I don't fail. I succeed at finding out what doesn't work.

Take the time to smell the roses. Sooner or later, you'll inhale a bee and die.

The normal make a living. The deranged make history.

I think when you sit alone with your brain too much, your own brain starts to rebel against you.

Socrates said, the unexamined life is not worth living. My dad said, Booty - mmm mmm.

I don't believe in right or left; I don't believe in Santa or Satan. I believe in things I can touch - like vodka and Oreos.

Anyone can have a relationship but if you're dating a woman who's so crazy in bed that if you aren't wearing your Kevlar one night you might never see daylight again... that's exciting.

The only thing that ever made me want to be a wife-beater is being called one. Your honor, can I have five minutes to make her not a liar, please?

The tendency to turn human judgements into divine commands turns religion into one of the most dangerous forces in the world.

I desire Virtue, though I love her not- I have no faith in her when she is got: I fear that she will bind and make me slave And send me songless to the sullen grave.

You’ve read about the goddesses, come on. They’re an international sensation. These are my girlfriends. These are the women that I love that have completed the three parts of my heart.

I don't know if I'm striving for anything that I can put into words.

Nothing counts so much as family, the rest are just strangers. (as Nicholas Earpp in Wyatt Earp, 1994)

Buy real records in real shops, or I'll come round your house and scream at your mother.

Dale Earnhardt was the best race car driver there will ever be in NASCAR. I would hope you don't expect me to replace him because nobody ever will.

In my headphones, I led a life of romance and incident and intrigue, none of which had anything to do with the world outside my Walkman.

Go home and tell your daughters they are beautiful.

My mother is looking forward to it even more than me! I'll be showing her the bright lights of New York.