How do you get all those coins?" asked Mort. IN PAIRS.

There's a saying that all roads lead to Ankh-Morpork. And it's wrong. All roads lead away from Ankh-Morpork, but sometimes people just walk along them the wrong way.

The worst thing you can do is nothing.

There are times in life when people must know when not to let go. Balloons are designed to teach small children this.

Rincewind had always been happy to think of himself as a racist. The One Hundred Meters, the Mile, the Marathon -- he'd run them all.

Rincewind could scream for mercy in nineteen languages, and just scream in another forty-four.

Tourist, Rincewind decided, meant ‘idiot.

...and the funny thing was that people who weren't entirely certain they were right always argued much louder than other people, as if the main person they were trying to convince were themselves.

The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it.

I have, before now, waited for a pen to perform a macro.

You never knew about people, like you never knew how deep a pond was because all you saw was the top.

I've said it before and I'll say it again: Never trust anyone who tells you how people come to trust them.

A sweet fruit for a sweet fight.

The problem is that censors create the concept of obscenity. By supposedly trying to protect us they form an absurd concept of what is obscene.

I read everywhere. It's like a bodily function. I don't need quiet. I write and read with the TV on. I follow the TV show while I read. TV doesn't require a lot of brainpower.

What's really important for me is, as an old man, I'm known by my own generation and the next generation know me, too.

As long as humanity has been human, it has looked toward the heavens and dreamed that some day, some way, there would be giant federal contracts involved.

It can be said that the first half of the marathon is 20 miles long; the second half, 6.2 more.

Any celebrity that goes on Twitter and spouts off, as if we should care what they say, is opening himself or herself up to ridicule by anyone else.

As I get older, the character evolves tremendously because I'm married and have kids now and realize certain things are not funny anymore. I threw them out of my act.

Religions are illogical primitive ignorance. There is nothing as ridiculous and tragic as a religious government.