How do you get off a non-stop flight?

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, 'Where the hell is my roof?

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.

Be ready to defend yourself as I'm coming out of the shelf

The test of leadership for David Cameron was actually to bring the British Conservative Party back in to the mainstream.

I do have a rule that very few meetings are worth more than ten minutes.

You love only those who deserve it.

We were raised right in the heart of the Bogside. Everything was so bad at the time that Mammy would bring us to the pantomime, circus, concerts because we were so confined at home.

How many times had those awful words - "I know what I'm doing" - been uttered throughout history as prelude to disaster?

I wonder if the course of narcissism through the ages would have been any different had Narcissus first peered into a cesspool. He probably did.

Do not ever let anyone make you feel like you don't matter, or like you don't have a place in our American story - because you do.

I'm not really very funny, I just keep recycling jokes.

I could care less what people think.