How dumb do I think the Americans are? I bet you we could sell those idiots water.

The appetizer is just an excuse for an extra meal. Let's see, I will start with the eighty buffalo wings.

Yeah the appetizer, that's the food we eat before we have our food...No no you're thinking of dessert, that's food we eat after we have our food.

You wanna know how good bacon is? To improve other food, they wrap it in bacon.

Whenever you correct someone's grammar just remember that nobody likes you.

I talk kinda slow, especially for the Northeast, so it was a way to beat [would-be hecklers] to the punch.

My favorite vegetable is the marshmallow.

The only advantage to wearing glasses is that you can do that dramatic removal.

Anyone know if the shuttles to Hell will have Wifi? Asking for a friend.

One of the benefits of eating salad is that you can eat tons of it and never be satisfied.

In the end, the type of parent you are is going to be something that you carry with you. ... Having multiple kids, it's been a gift in a way. It's keeping the priorities straighter.

Whatever the questions that trouble you just get up and ask, don't let them suffocate you. Because questions not asked will stay questions unanswered.

You must firmly, absolutely and ruthlessly protect your safety and sanity.

Laugh soon because you never know how soon it will be too late

Until I'm over the hill and over the hump; I'm gonna let my music bump and give the people what they want.

What family you were born into matters so much more than it did before in a perverse way.

I'm getting old, don't wear underwear, and I don't go to church.

Change the way we teach; Empower teachers

If, when you charged a person with his faults, you credited him with his virtues too, you would probably like everybody.

No man is born wise; but wisdom and virtue require a tutor; though we can easily learn to be vicious without a master.

Writing a manual forces you to place your thoughts and ideas down on paper.