How is it possible that Courtney Love looks worse than Kurt Cobain?

My parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles were all funny, and I felt that energy, that delivery, that timing, that sarcasm. All that stuff seeped into my brain.

Life is short. You have to be able to laugh at our pain or we never move on.

Do you want me to apologize after every joke? If it doesn't offend somebody it's probably not a joke. It's probably an observation that's not funny. It's gotta offend somebody somewhere.

I've actually tried to roast somebody that I don't like, and it doesn't go well. Either they're a bad sport or I'm not as funny as I could be.

When I see a good singer, I get teary-eyed. Part of it is jealousy because all comedians are frustrated rock stars. That's a fact.

I've always liked cops, as much as you can like a group of people, you know? Sure, I've been hassled, but I'm a white dude - privileged.

Instead of running for President, why don’t you try walking on a treadmill?

My life and my career have been a series of happy and not so happy accidents.

It really bothers me when some people say that all cops are racist. Of course that's not true. Most of you are just [expletive] to everybody.

Maybe I'm corny, but I'm a big believer in second chances.

I love you, " he murmurs. "Can you feel that? You. Not some destiny I think I'm called to. You. I'm with you. My strength. My soul. My heart. Feel it.

The gift of kindness brightens the life of other people.

I've learned over the years that the writing is smarter and far larger than the writer and his or her own desires for it.

While rising delinquencies and foreclosures will continue to weigh heavily on the housing market this year, it will not cripple the U.S.

Every time I try to write on vacation, I fail miserably.

We cannot rely on God's promises without obeying his commandments.

Without outward declarations, who can conclude an inward love?

If you’re an actress, you’re always on one diet or another — it’s a way of life.

In Germany, salads are assemblies of ham and mayonnaise, not trendy tossed leaves.

The way you make communities safer and police safer is through community policing.