How little it takes to make life unbearable: a pebble in the shoe, a cockroach in the spaghetti, a woman's laugh.

Love is like war: easy to begin but very hard to stop.

On some great and glorious day the plain folks of the land will reach their heart's desire at last, and the White House will be adorned by a downright moron.

The demagogue is one who preaches doctrines he knows to be untrue to men he knows to be idiots.

The whole aim of practical politics is to keep the populace alarmed (and hence clamorous to be led to safety) by menacing it with an endless series of hobgoblins, all of them imaginary.

Morality is doing what is right, no matter what you are told. Religion is doing what you are told, no matter what is right.

Every normal man must be tempted, at times, to spit on his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.

Democracy is a pathetic belief in the collective wisdom of individual ignorance.

The urge to save humanity is almost always a false front for the urge to rule.

It is inaccurate to say that I hate everything. I am strongly in favor of common sense, common honesty, and common decency. This makes me forever ineligible for public office.

Democracy is also a form of worship. It is the worship of Jackals by Jackasses.

People throw stones at you and you convert them into milestones.

My mom and dad gave their kids the greatest gift of all - the gift of unconditional love. They cared deeply about who we would be, and much less about what we would do.

Make no mistake, the point of cutting the personal income tax and the capital gains cut is to send an unmistakable message to business leaders.

You can't think of everything in life your horse might encounter that might make him afraid so you'd better prepare em for it in other ways.

To stay interested in acting, I have to keep trying stuff I've never done before.

Do you wanna do something fun? Wanna go to Taco Bell?

Let them not make me a stone and let them not spill me, otherwise kill me.

I used to dream. I used to glance beyond the stars. Now I don't know where we are Although I know we've drifted far!

It's sort of one ongoing process where writing ends and directing starts.

I got tired of my taxes paying for exciting little wars around the world. Then I discovered that when I died, my wife would probably have to sell our house to pay for the taxes in America.