How many impressionist painters painted the same damned thing? How many actors have played the same part in renditions of a play or dancers do the same dances.

If I had the flag that Betsy Ross worked so hard on, I wouldn't destroy it. I'd put it up on EBay because it's gotta be worth some serious coin. And that is the American way.

Children in a third world country. That's how we spread democracy.

Some performers are brilliant comedians, some are genius musicians, and some just make you happy to be alive. THE BOBS are all of that - and then some.

We didn't choose the joke because it's filthy! We chose it because of the structure!

I actually go to church. I know it's hard for you to believe. It's only because you know that Jesus on the cross? I love his smooth hairless body.

I know jazz is completely un-American. But the reason why America doesn't like it is because it's not funny. We [americans] have made jazz funny.

There is no democrats or republicans, right or left, red state or blue state. We are all one. And we are all unified against Mexicans.

As a comedian, I'm like one of those on-the-scene reporters. I will actually go and try to find disasters so I can write jokes as the disasters unfold.

I actually had to leave the country for infractions to fall off my record.

If you go to working class, and working poor areas of America, the food sources that are relegated to them are generally limited to unhealthy ones.

I believe that Christianity trains black people, especially black women, to think like slaves, and I believe that Islam is mainly fueled by its hatred for women.

Infinities are not for casual exploration. You could fall and keep falling. You could get lost.

I never thought about doing a sequel when I was actually writing 'The Magicians.' I only ever considered it a standalone.

Why did the mushroom go to the party? Because he's a fungi!

Are you cold when you are happy? Are you cold when you are unhappy? Then you are a wise man! Wisdom makes man cool and calm. Wise man is cool and calm!

Your duty is to Be, and not to be this or that.

If you run a business, put on top your employees, then your consumers, and then your shareholders.

It is Proust's courtesy to spare the reader the embarrassment of believing himself cleverer than the author.

Just to pile up money for my own sake, I just can't view that as good citizenship.