How many of you are creative? I don't know, but for me, when you make a bunch of things over time and then you keep them... you forget. I look through my sketchbooks and I'm an audience for myself.

I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert.

How fast does a zebra have to run before it looks gray.

I wear dark sunglasses when I want my head to look more like a limousine.

The clothes make the man. The children working in sweatshops make the clothes. Therefore, the children working in sweatshops make the man.

A lot of people like lollipops. I don't like lollipops. To me, a lollipop is hard candy plus garbage. I don't need a handle. Just give me the candy.

Earrings are the same as sneezes: Two is okay, but ten in a row is annoying. If you have two then, God bless you.

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.

A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive.

When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults.

-"you dress to impress"-"No Angel, I undress to impress

A man's grammar, like Caesar's wife, should not only be pure, but above suspicion of impurity.

All have a shadow over the earth but no shadow under earth or in grave.

I felt like a kid standing in the world's greatest video arcade without any quarters, unable to do anything but walk around and watch the other kids play.

I got a bright future ahead of me.

The ideal man is his own best friend and takes delight in privacy.

I always think everyone else is funnier than me. I look at other comedians and I say, 'I wish I was that good.' People think I'm funny, and I say, 'I'm not.'

You know, many of you kids can't relate to what it takes to get to the top rung, the top of the heap, to have success. We're looking for things that come in a minute. It just doesn't happen.

The last thing I want to be is sanctimonious, but the thing that frustrates me is the deceit and betrayal, how there's one rule for males and another for females.

He just got his body between himself and the goal.