How old are you? 'I'm four and a half!' You're never thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on five! That's the key.

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me . . they’re cramming for their final exam.

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

Some people have no idea what they're doing, and a lot of them are really good at it.

All the media and the politicians ever talk about is things that separate us, things that make us different from one another

Don’t just teach your children to read… Teach them to question what they read. Teach them to question everything.

In America, anyone can become president. That's the problem.

Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music.

There is a planet named Pluto, but we don't have one named Goofy. Goofy would be a good name for this planet. It certainly qualifies.

How vain it is to sit down to write when you have not stood up to live.

There is only one right in the world and that right is one's own strength.

My life has a superb cast, but I cannot figure out the plot.

On game shows, some people will take the trip to France, but most people will take the washer and dryer pair.

Life and religion are one, or neither is any thing.

If God had been a liberal, we wouldn't have had the Ten Commandments - we'd have the Ten Suggestions.

Countries keep on building higher and higher buildings, instead of building higher and higher men!

When I play against someone that's new in the league, I make him respect me. They may have heard about me, but now you get to see me actually in front of you. That drives me.

We pamper the present like a spoiled child, obeying its superficial demands but ignoring its real needs.

Presidents are elected not by direct popular vote but by 538 members of the Electoral College.