Hulk Hogan's wife has filed for divorce. This is the most devastating breakup since Pam Anderson and Tommy Lee. And then Pam Anderson and Kid Rock. And soon, Pam Anderson and Rick Salomon.

A Muslim allowed a topless Jew to sit on his camel. And we say we can't live side by side? I say we try and we can and we will. And you don't even have to be topless. L'chaim.

We usually have margaritas on Thursdays but since it's Tuesday I'll make an exception.

Even if times are tough and you're enduring a terrible heartache, it's important to focus your anger on a vibrator, not another person.

Laugh loudly, laugh often, and most important, laugh at yourself.

I can't be skinny all the time. I like to drink and I like to eat. I like burgers and bagels.

I think we can all agree that sleeping around is a great way to meet people.

I'm very much about letting other people shine, because it makes us all shine brighter.

You do not OWN a dog. You HAVE a dog. And the dog HAS YOU

There are no warning signs on the trampoline. The warning is the trampoline.

I don't like the word 'alcoholic'. I like to think of myself as an advanced drinker.

The thing about plummetting downhill at fifty miles an hour on a snack platter - if you realize it's a bad idea when you're halfway down, it's too late.

There can be no passion, and by consequence no love, where there is not imagination.

Stop them damn pictures! I don’t care what the papers write about me. My constituents can’t read. But, damn it, they can see the pictures!

A sense of humor is part of the art of leadership, of getting along with people, of getting things done.

Stop being jealous, I mean, to be jealous is to suggest that God doesn't know what she is doing. This is ridiculous! She does everything perfectly

The Republicans are all about suppressing votes.

I'm never at my worst because even at my lowest, its a learning experience. It's something that I'll bounce ideas off. I can take negatives and flip them to positives at all times.

There are times when one friend requires the blind faith of another.

It's my job to make him look good. He's a very good looking man, so it's my job to keep him looking good.

Learn to use your brains as deftly as your powder box, and then maybe you have a powder box and do not need.